The Wife of Willesden Read online

  Yeah: everything happens for a reason

  And we’re just meant to be! Our stars aligned.

  FEMALE SPEAKER

  It’s Fate! (Our gift registry’s online.)

  AUTHOR

  Some said ‘brave’ things that took no bravery

  To say, or were dull, or didn’t move me –

  Or spoke about their ‘journeys’ with an air

  Of triumph. I was starting to despair …

  Then I saw Alvita. That is: the Wife

  Of Willesden. And the story of her life’s

  Worth hearing.

  RYAN

  Tho’ she’s a bit deaf herself

  In one ear … but otherwise in good health.

  WINSTON

  And skilful! Makes her own clothes, every stitch.

  That’s not Armani – that’s Alvita!

  ASMA

  Rich

  She is not. But she never passed a Big

  Issue vendor without chucking a quid

  Their way.

  WINSTON

  Cuss you if you don’t.

  ZAIRE

  Fake gold chains

  Are her jewellery of choice. She drips like rain.

  DARREN

  Her underwear is dramatic – and red.

  Like the soles of her knock-off ‘Choos’. It’s said

  She looks bold. She gives side-eye perfectly.

  ZAIRE

  She’s been that bitch since 1983.

  RYAN

  And yeah, she’s been hitched five times to five men.

  WINSTON

  (Without counting back-in-the-day bredrin.)

  ASMA

  But we don’t need to get into that now.

  She’s a well-travelled woman. She allows

  Herself adventures. Self-care is her truth.

  She’s been Ibiza, Corfu, Magaluf.

  DARREN

  She likes to wander. Hates to be tied down.

  With that gap-toothed smile she strides around town

  Dressed to impress.

  ZAIRE

  Wears an isicholo:

  A big Zulu hat. She’s not Zulu, no …

  But let woman have her hat!

  WINSTON

  And a skirt

  That shows her shape.

  DARREN

  And them shoes that will hurt

  You if you’re in her way.

  ASMA

  She’s not just fierce

  Though. She’s sweet and wise. Cupid’s dart has pierced

  Her so often, she’s an expert on love.

  DARREN

  Been there, done that. This one knows it all, bruv.

  We see ALVITA being ushered towards the little stage, but she refuses it, and instead takes her rightful place, centre stage in the Colin Campbell. The pub turns black: there is a theatrical spotlight upon her. But before she speaks, the scene freezes while the AUTHOR gives her Chaucerian apologia …

  AUTHOR

  But before she starts, a word to the wise:

  Not a trigger warning, exactly, but

  A proviso: it’s not my tale. I just

  Copied it down from the original.

  I could make stuff up and rewrite it all

  But that would surely defeat the purpose,

  And if Alvita does make you nervous

  It’s worth remembering – though I’m sure you know –

  When wives spoke thus six hundred years ago

  You were all shocked then. The shock never ends

  When women say things usually said by men …

  And one last thing: if you spot yourself and

  Think I’ve made you posher or more common

  Than you’d like: sorry. I’ve got a good ear,

  But I can only write down what I hear …

  The Wife of Willesden’s Prologue

  ALVITA reanimates and the AUTHOR withdraws to her table. Throughout the Prologue, ALVITA regularly breaks the fourth wall, speaking to the real audience as much as the pub one. Her accent is North Weezy with moments of deliberate poshness as well as frequent lapses into Jamaican patois and cockney for comic effect. She is a world-class raconteur. She begins:

  ALVITA

  Let me tell you something: I do not need

  Any permission or college degrees

  To speak on how marriage is stress. I been

  Married five damn times since I was nineteen!

  From mi eye deh a mi knee.fn1 But I survived,

  Thank God, and I got to say, of the five,

  None of them were total wastemen. But last

  Week …

  At this point the lights come up again, but there is something surreal about the new lighting in the pub, as if we are in a magical, liminal space between storytelling, memory and reality. The pub people react and laugh and groan like an audience, but they are often roped into the performance, too. Some of these moments are explicitly noted below, but a director should feel free to use the PUB CHORUS to animate and dramatize as many of Alvita’s stories as they see fit.

  I’m with my Auntie P, yeah, and she starts

  In on her Bible talk:

  AUNTIE P

  Yuh nuh know Christ

  Him a wedding guest one time in him life?

  In Cana, Galilee? Please, niece, beg yuh

  Tell me what you do the opposite for?

  How come you believe you can get wedded

  Five times? Lawd knows how many times bedded!

  Tink when Jesus met the Samaritan,

  By dat well: ’member how he cuss her, man,

  Him seh, ‘Woman, you been married five times

  Already. You can’t say this man ah fi mi

  Because nutten nuh go so. Not at all.

  ALVITA

  And I was like, look, Auntie, you can bawl

  Me out, but I still don’t even get why

  He said that? She married the first five guys.

  So why not six? Is there a set limit?

  With me, I’m almost fifty-five, innit,

  And if there is a right number of men,

  That’s news to me. Is it six or eight? Ten?

  In my view, people got too much to say;

  They chat rubbish. But from my Bible days

  I know it says:

  We hear church music and see church lighting, and we meet PASTOR JEGEDE in the middle of a sermon. AUNTIE P and KELLY are listening intently.

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  ‘Go forth and multiply.’

  ALVITA

  I remember the bits that weren’t too dry …

  And isn’t it that God said when they married:

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  A husband must leave his old family,

  And link up mind, body and soul—

  ALVITA

  With me! Yep. Nothing about bigamy

  In there, or more-gamy-than-that (cough, cough).

  So how come some people slagging me off?

  Nah, I’m not having it. Count the pickney

  And women of Marley. How ’bout Stevie?

  Now, you know Stevie’s had more than one wife!

  Blindness don’t stop him enjoying his life.

  I should be so lucky as Bob Marley.

  Rita? Miss Jamaica? He had plenty

  Woman, and I’m sure he had a good time

  With them all, back in the day. And that’s fine.

  But let’s also thank God for my five men:

  Ian, Darren, Winston, Elridge and Ryan.

  As this is said we see Alvita’s husbands, IAN, DARREN, WINSTON, ELRIDGE and RYAN – who are dotted around the pub – stand up and start looking at each other curiously. We may not notice that the fifth husband, RYAN, is the redhead with the video camera, who we can’t really see: the video equipment obscures his face. When he stands it must look as if he is just doing something to his camera. After a moment they sit back down again.

  (You think five’s a lot? I could’ve had ten!)

 
But I’m well choosy. I actually picked them

  For their ass-ets, different for each person.

  One went to the College of North West London,

  Two went to the School of Hard Knocks. The sick

  Thing about Kilburn is how we can mix

  It up with anyone? High, low. Posh, poor.

  We’ve had practice. We’ll walk through any door.

  And that’s like me spending my time studying

  Five different husbands. You learn many things …

  And, honestly, I’m up for Number Six

  Whenever, wherever he feels to pitch

  Up. Serious: if Five drops dead, boom, like that:

  I won’t wait for my hymen to grow back.

  That’s not me. You’ll soon see me on Insta

  Chucking the bouquet to the next sista …

  Pastor, if your man dies, you’re free, innit?

  To get hitched again, if you feel like it.

  PASTOR JEGEDE looks like he doesn’t want to concede this point; also these questions are disturbing his service, which, in a parallel reality, is happening throughout.

  Auntie P, isn’t St Paul the one who said

  AUNTIE P

  Better to be married than burn up dead!

  ALVITA

  But in your church, the one on Willesden Lane

  We hear church music again, and see AUNTIE P and her SONS praying in the pub, with PASTOR JEGEDE leading the prayers.

  The old Bingo place, you go fill your brain

  With judgement. Pastor chatting all that breeze:

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  … Wicked Lamech, whose sin was bigamy …

  ALVITA

  How come Jacob and Abraham marry

  Again? And I’m sure Pastor put a ring

  On it a few times in Nigeria …

  AUNTIE P

  All I know is that the Lord God him nuh

  Like looseness. Him defend de marriage bond.

  ALVITA

  Yeah, but Auntie, the thing is, that’s just wrong?

  Where do you think you read that? The Good Book?

  You can’t show it to me. S’not there. I’ve looked.

  AUNTIE P

  Me know him defended virginity.

  ALVITA

  Now hol’ up, hol’ up, my dear Auntie P:

  Thing is: I can read just like you can read,

  And I’m telling you no. It’s true Paul said

  He didn’t want us having sex for fun –

  But it weren’t like: COMMANDMENT NUMBER ONE.

  Auntie, what you call laws I call advice!

  A guideline. And they all sound very nice,

  But everyone got to make their own choice

  In life. And if God in his big God voice

  Was like:

  GOD

  Everyone. Asexual. NOW.

  ALVITA

  It wouldn’t make no sense. Because then how’s

  He expecting to make more pure virgins

  When there’s nobody to give birth to them?

  Please. At least St Paul wasn’t all about

  Cancelling things God himself hadn’t called out!

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  We aim for chastity. This is the prize.

  The contest is to be pure in God’s eyes.

  KELLY, Alvita’s very nerdy, shy and put-upon niece, dares to raise her voice:

  KELLY

  But that’s not, like, meant for … well, like, maybe –

  ALVITA

  Yes, girl – g’wan – Say it! (That’s my niece, Kelly.)

  KELLY

  Maybe that’s not meant for everybody?

  Like, Mum, maybe God makes some people true

  Saints, yeah? But with some he’s like: s’up to you …

  Like, I totally get Jesus was pure

  And he was into that but are you sure

  It’s got to be like that for me and you?

  ALVITA

  This is what I’m saying! Kelly, thank you.

  Bottom line, Auntie, I have permission

  From bloody St Paul himself to go fishing

  For husbands when and where I feel like it.

  The only thing I’m willing to admit

  Is you probably have to wait till one dies

  Before you move on, because bigamy-wise

  That’d be an issue.

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  It is clearly

  Said, by the apostle, that purity

  Is best.

  ALVITA

  Yeah, but he was chatting about

  Himself! St Paul be like:

  ST PAUL/HUSBAND IAN

  I won’t go out

  With you. I will not come back to your place.

  I won’t submit to your sinful embrace.

  We’re not ‘getting it on’ on your sofa.

  ALVITA

  A holy man plus a supernova

  Like me? You put us together? There will

  Be fireworks, you get me? There just will.

  But their church says:

  AUNTIE P

  Best to sleep with no one!

  ALVITA

  Wait – check it:

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  But if you marry someone –

  And this is true for our women and our men –

  It is best never to have sex with them.

  ALVITA

  Jokers. Fools. But it don’t even touch me.

  I don’t mess with churchmen or my family.

  My thing is: you want to think you’re a saint?

  Fine. But don’t slut-shame me because I ain’t

  About that. It’s not like I’m pretending

  To be picture perfect. Or curating

  My life for others. Despite what you see

  Online, we’re not all on yachts in Bali.

  Some of us are on the ninety-eight bus

  Which comes on time, and that’s enough for us …

  Auntie, I think God loves variety,

  That’s my belief. Cos if he did make me

  He set my soul on its own strange path. Plus

  Maybe he gives out sex like Santa Claus:

  The nice get no sex drives; the nasty … more.

  Maybe it just depends. Maybe if you’re

  Asexual or abstain he’s into that …

  That’d make sense cos his son was like that –

  But you make everything so literal!

  You really reckon Jesus meant to tell

  Us all to be as broke as him? Nah. He’s

  Just saying:

  BLACK JESUS

  You can be brassic like me

  If you think you can handle it, but ’low

  It for everybody else.

  ALVITA

  For real, now,

  Them rules are for the girl who feels that she’s

  Perfect. And that blatantly isn’t me.

  As you see, I’m in the prime of my life

  And right now I’m into being a wife.

  My kind of wife. Cos, tell me, Auntie P.

  This equipment between our legs which we

  Carry: why d’we have them in the first place?

  Or you reckon it’s some kind of mistake?

  AUNTIE P

  Wat a way yuh like fi argue me down!

  But I believe our … private parts … they around

  Fi two purpose. Fi pass the urine. And

  Know who ah woman and who ah man.

  ALVITA

  Auntie’s a comedian. But she knows

  Well from experience how these things go.

  It’s crazy to me that Pastor gets mad

  When I talk about women’s pleasure and

  The idea that if there is a God he

  Can’t hate on his own gift, which he must see

  Is not just for making babies or … wee.

  Pastor, it’s right there in the book! Let’s read

  It:

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  ‘Man owes a debt
to his wife.’

  ALVITA

  In bed!

  That is literally what the man said!

  And to pay that sexual debt in full,

  You usually need your own genitals.

  Look: my point is, we’re given these things

  For more than childbirth and urinating!

  ZAIRE, Alvita’s best friend, raises her hand.

  ZAIRE

  But just cos you have working genitals

  We don’t have to go down the kid road? All

  Of us don’t need babies. It’s cool if your

  Road is kids. But that’s not all these are for.

  ALVITA

  (My bestie, Zaire.) And then there’s Jesus:

  So pure and holy he’s just not that fussed

  Re sex. And I’ve got nothing against pure,

  Holier-than-thou people. I think you’re

  All great. But there’s a lot of different kinds

  Of women in this world. Some like red wine

  Thirty quid a pop. You know who you are!

  I’ll take a shot of Baileys at the bar.

  I’m that kind of girl. Not fancy but fun,

  Like Baileys. Sweet. And I get the job done.

  My thing is, to be honest, I’m just real.

  I do and say exactly what I feel.

  I’m not fussy, but I stick to my guns

  And in my marriage I’ll use this for fun.

  If it’s God’s gift, I best use it that way!

  Cos if I waste it, what’s God gonna say?

  Now, husbands: I was and am here for you:

  Tonight, tomorrow. But you need to do

  Something for me first. I demand pleasure.

  That is your debt to me. It’s not pressure,

  Exactly, it’s about consent. You’ll agree

  To owe me love, good sex, and that when we

  Marry, your body and soul will be mine

  As long as we’re a thing. From that time

  Till we’re done, your body is my playground,

  It’s for me, not for you. I’ve just found