The Wife of Willesden Read online

  That really works for me? In fact, St Paul’s

  The one gave me the idea. Cos he’s all

  About

  ST PAUL

  ‘You husbands! Love your women well, day in

  Day out!’

  ALVITA

  Thank you! That’s all I’ve been saying!

  There is applause from the tables, but some consternation, too, especially from some of the men.

  Any questions? Comments? So far, so clear?

  Yes, you: don’t be shy. Loud – so I can hear.

  COLIN, a nervous young man in a charity chugger outfit, stands up. His fiancée, SOPHIE, sits beside him.

  COLIN

  Hello … well, my name’s Colin … I work for—

  ALVITA

  You hassle fools in the street for cash – sure –

  COLIN

  Well, actually I raise money to fight—

  ALVITA

  You get their sort codes. Make them feel all right

  About themselves. Mug them for a good cause.

  But tell me: how can I help you and yours?

  COLIN

  Um … well, this is Soph, we just got engaged …

  And a lot of what you said tonight made

  Me feel a bit anxious, if I’m honest.

  ALVITA

  Is it. Go on … I don’t bite, I promise.

  COLIN

  Like, are you saying that if I marry

  She owns me? I find that a bit scary –

  Like, in my view, that’s taking things a bit

  Too far, like: sexism – but reversing it?

  ALVITA

  I see, Colin. Thing is, though, my story’s

  Not even started yet? So don’t worry:

  Try not to wag the tail before the dog.

  This bit’s just the – whadyacallit – Prologue.

  I’m about to drop knowledge on you,

  Colin, and on your lovely girlfriend, too.

  Because I’ve been there, Colin; this ain’t my

  First rodeo. And I’m using my time,

  My precious time, to help needy men

  Like you, not to make total fools of them

  Selves in marriage. That is my mission.

  Best thing you can do? Sit up and listen.

  COLIN

  Yes, ma’am – I mean, Miss – I mean, Mrs – Miz?

  Of course, I know you know your business,

  Wife of Willesden – I shouldn’t interrupt.

  You know what? I’ll own my privilege – and shut up.

  ALVITA

  Young men: if you think you can stand to hear

  Some truth I’ll tell it. But if you start to fear

  I’m running my mouth, talking wild and rough,

  Or I’ve said too much, please don’t take the huff –

  Or get offended; don’t be that guy …

  I might take the piss – but I’ll tell no lies.

  So let’s get down to it: those men I’ve had?

  Three of them were good and two were bad.

  We see the FIVE MEN identified as she mentions them, but again, that RYAN is one of them remains unclear.

  ALVITA

  The three good ones were – bad news for Colin –

  Older. They’d already found their place in

  This world. But they had their work cut out

  In the bedroom, because I’m all about

  Pleasure, and they couldn’t always keep

  Up with my desire. They needed their sleep.

  To be honest, it didn’t bother me.

  They made up for it in maturity.

  With these young’uns you need a magic potion

  To get their love, respect and devotion.

  Back when I was young I worked way too hard

  For approval; I’d put all my damn cards

  On the table. Now I have no need. Since

  I hold them in my hand. I can rinse

  Out their bank accounts, move into their

  Flats – they’d give me all, if I asked. But where

  And when and why should I be asking

  For love? The sun is out: I am basking

  In affection. Meanwhile they have work

  To do up in the bedroom. Learn to twerk,

  For example: that’s a useful skill in

  Here we might see a number of older men in the PUB CHORUS trying to master this task.

  A man. That’s something really worth learning!

  But the older dogs are less

  Inclined to learn; they want to get their rest.

  Fine. But I still ruled them with a firm hand.

  I cussed them daily, and they’d understand,

  And be grateful, so relieved, when I turned

  Nice. And that’s one key thing I have learned

  About marriage. You’ve got to treat them mean

  To keep them loving and humble and keen.

  Let me break it down: when a husband

  Shows his cards; you’ve got to hide your hand.

  Before he gets on your case, get on his.

  I’d be like: first thing, handle your business.

  What were you doing at that girl’s place?

  Are you really going to say to my face:

  HUSBAND DARREN

  I went to check my cousin – he’s crashing there.

  Didn’t really notice … what’s her name? Claire?

  ALVITA

  Bruv, I’ve seen her: fake nails, fake boobs, fake hair –

  You’re gonna do me like that? Is that fair?

  And then meanwhile, if I’m just jamming

  With a male friend, you’re sure we’re banging,

  You lose your mind, cuss me up and down …

  Double standard! But that’s what I’ve found

  About husbands. They chat too much breeze

  About women. Got way too many theories.

  I’ve heard them all.

  HUSBAND WINSTON

  Don’t trust a gold digger;

  They’ve got plans for you. Dem fine figures

  Are a trap, yuh know? Dey ah go reel you in.

  You’ll pay in cash; it’s the wages of sin.

  Not love they want, man, it’s alimony.

  ALVITA

  And then there’s:

  HUSBAND IAN

  Avoid the ones with money:

  They’ll emasculate you. When a man

  Earns less than his wife you’ll find he can’t

  Respect himself. That’s not just my view,

  That’s in evolutionary science, too.

  ALVITA

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if she’s very pretty

  God help her.

  HUSBAND DARREN

  Must be doing you dirty,

  Because no one that fit could be faithful—

  ALVITA

  According to you. For some men it’s awful

  If a woman is rich or hot or fine

  Or smart or talented or sweet or kind –

  Cos that means someone else might want us.

  And everything you once loved about us

  Becomes the problem. If we still attract

  Attention, then:

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  You ask for it. The fact

  Is, it’s your fault.

  ALVITA

  If we no longer do,

  That’s worse. We might go grind on a fool

  ’Pon the dance floor just for attention.

  The pub becomes a nightclub and we see ALVITA joyfully dancing with a number of her HUSBANDS and others.

  And then slyly, casually, he mentions

  That he can’t remember why he chose

  This. He could be playing Tinder. Who knows

  How sweet life could be if he were free?

  But deep down? It’s all insecurity.

  Some husbands are wound up way too tight.

  Some of dem on that jealousy tip night

  And day:

  HUSBAND E
LRIDGE

  The thing about women is they

  Act a certain way up until the day

  You wed. Then it’s a whole other story.

  New becomes old. Fresh becomes boring.

  The pink cammy gets switched for grey cotton …

  All that tear-your-clothes-off sex? Forgotten.

  ALVITA

  And so on. He’ll say:

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  When a man buys clothes

  He gets to try stuff on before he goes

  And buys it. With wives? You roll the dice and see!

  ALVITA

  Honestly, sometimes this man made me

  Want to scream. And he’d try to turn it round.

  He’d say:

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  The truth is you love the sound

  Of men singing your praises. You call

  Yourself a feminist but you want all

  The compliments all the time. If you say

  How does this look? am I free to lay

  It on the line? Come on now. We both

  Know my duties. I’ve got to swear on oath

  You look like Angela Bassett. All

  The time. For your birthday you want a ball.

  You want me to hire out Camden Palais

  And pay for it all. Then you want me to say

  I love all your girlfriends, even that one

  Claims she’s a ‘life coach’ but lives with her mum.

  There has been much laughter in the pub and music and re-enactment during ELRIDGE’s speech but now the lighting becomes stark and everything is silent as ALVITA offers her rebuttal.

  ALVITA

  Husband Number Four, you lied. Tell these

  Good people how sometimes nothing could please

  You. When the green-eyed monster took over

  You weren’t yourself. You forgot we were lovers.

  You’d rant and rave. You thought poor young Ryan

  The student kid – the freckled Scottish one –

  With his dark red hair and his tiny bum

  RYAN, who’s the kid filming, raises a hand to the audience, to be acknowledged, but we get no sign that there is anything between him and ALVITA.

  You’d say I’m eyeing him like I want some

  Of that? Please! Not if you died tomorrow!

  Meanwhile, you won’t even let me borrow

  The keys to the Subaru! You act like

  What is yours is not also mine. You psych

  Yourself out, stressing about who owns me,

  While you keep your junk under lock and key.

  And try to keep me home. But we don’t own

  Each other. I don’t check up on your phone,

  Or use GPS to see where you are.

  But seems you’d like me locked up in that car!

  You should be saying:

  ALVITA gets behind ELRIDGE and uses him as a ventriloquist’s dummy so her voice seems to come out of his mouth while she controls his movements.

  ALVITA (AS ELRIDGE)

  Alvita, you do you.

  Go out and find your joy. I won’t do

  Anything to block or kill your spirit

  Cos I love you and I trust you, innit.

  ALVITA

  Women like me, we can’t love control freaks.

  We want to travel, to live, to seek

  Fresh pastures, possibilities, new worlds.

  We’re women. Not children. Not little girls.

  The best man of all, blessed and wise, is dead:

  Nelson Mandela, cos it’s him who said:

  An old man in the Pub Chorus, one of the old regulars we saw in the opening scene, turns from his pint and takes on the role of NELSON MANDELA.

  NELSON MANDELA

  Resentment is like drinking poison

  ALVITA

  Yuh see?

  NELSON MANDELA

  And then hoping it will kill your enemies.

  And the wisest men know how to rise above

  The desire to control the ones you love.

  ALVITA

  Husbands! Hear these words! Know them to be true.

  If you get yours, why d’you care what I do?

  Are you lacking something? Are you deprived?

  Come sundown, aren’t you truly satisfied?

  We see ALVITA sidle up to the AUTHOR with her mobile. She seems to be asking to jump on the Author’s Wi-Fi hotspot, but the AUTHOR isn’t having it.

  It’s like them people who lock up their Wi-Fi …

  Like, they think it’s gonna run out! Like if I

  Jump on it, and get something for free,

  It’s unfair. Not as far as I can see.

  Just mind your own business, husbands! Then

  I’ll mind mine. And peace will reign in Willesden.

  But they don’t. He’s in my face about what

  I wear. He’s like:

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  Please God tell me you’re not

  Going out in that. The skirt’s way too small;

  The top’s too low; you’re barely dressed at all.

  ALVITA

  And I wait and dare him to speak some more.

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  I’m just saying sometimes you look like a—

  ALVITA

  STOP RIGHT THERE. Please don’t use, my brother,

  One type of woman to cuss another.

  We are all sisters. And don’t try to neg

  Me. You feel free to take me down a peg

  Or two. Mention my crow’s feet. Cellulite.

  Tell me I’m boring or not too bright.

  Cos you’ve worked out when I’m shy or sad

  I won’t stray too far. I won’t act too bad.

  But when I’m feeling myself; hair done right,

  Clothes on point? Then you nuh want me out nights.

  When I hit the club, it’s full of your spies:

  Your cousin, your sister’s man. Benny. Mike.

  You think your man dem can shut me down?

  Step to me; we’ll see who ends ’pon the ground!

  And he sees I’m not playing. Then he frets

  And feels sorry for himself:

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  Don’t get

  Married. Only two things worse than a wife—

  ALVITA

  Cue some lame-arse joke about pain and strife …

  The same sad anti-wife jokes you see online –

  What would you’all do without us for punchlines?

  You get so dramatic:

  HUSBAND WINSTON

  To love you is hell –

  It’s like I’m thirsty and you’re a dry well.

  ALVITA

  So you say

  HUSBAND DARREN

  It’s like being on actual fire –

  HUSBAND IAN

  Like being thrown on a funeral pyre

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  You’re like woodworm

  ALVITA

  Says you

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  And I’m the tree.

  You’re not done till you’ve eaten all of me!

  ALVITA

  People of Brent: you hear how he talks when

  He’s pissed? Well, I told him he said that then

  I used it against him. He never found

  Out it wasn’t true – I just wrote it down

  And said he did. That poor fool got no peace.

  I told student Ryan, and Kelly, my niece,

  We see KELLY, and see RYAN still hidden by his camera raise a hand, but again in the most casual way.

  And they believed me and blamed him; he looked

  Like the bad guy and I’m off the hook.

  Simple advice, Colin, it’ll take you far:

  Whoever’s behind the wheel drives the car.

  That’s it. We didn’t fight, if I’m honest.

  He planted his seeds. I burned his forests.

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  I said sorry for things I
hadn’t done!

  Girls I never touched, game I never run.

  ALVITA

  I knew you too ol’ to be playing away

  But I accused you of it anyway

  Because you liked it! You needed jealousy

  To feel I wanted you like you wanted me …

  I told you: ‘All my going out at night

  Is just to check those girls I fear might

  Be after you!’

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  And I truly believed.

  ALVITA

  You were way too vain to think I’d deceived

  You. But truth is I’m just out getting mine!

  And the thing is, I get my way every time …

  Women are good at lying! Or if you

  Want to say it more nicely, we just do

  A little creative work with the facts.

  I cry, I make up stuff, I blatantly act –

  I’m playing four-dimensional chess,

  Colin, and no husband can ever mess

  With me. Especially not in a bed.

  That’s where I truly eff with their heads …

  For example, if I’ve got a new man –

  A fresh husband; not a flash in the pan –

  Lying next to me, and here comes his hand,

  I immediately make him understand:

  I will get out of this bed unless you

  Get me off first. Then I’ll see what I can do

  For you. The point is you don’t get someting

  For nutting. No my friend: that’s not a thing.

  And honestly, as it goes, I was not

  Attracted to any of those old men. But

  I put on a good show. And they gave me

  What I was owed, and to speak honestly

  I probably stressed them all the time

  Because I really hated having to grind

  Them at all. But you know what? Even if

  The Pope was watching, I’d still call them chiefs,

  And fools and eediat. And Christ himself knows:

  BLACK JESUS

  Even if she went and died tomorrow

  No one could say she didn’t do her share