The Wife of Willesden Read online

  Of shears.

  ALVITA

  Which somehow made him lose his eyes?

  But we’re not done: next it’s ancient Greek guys.

  Tearing curtains off the windows to use as togas, the PUB CHORUS act out the following scenes:

  He’s reading – out loud –

  HUSBAND RYAN

  about Deianira

  Who set her man Hercules on fire.

  Then it’s poor Socrates, whose wife poured piss

  On his head. Xanthippe.

  ALVITA

  And the weird thing is

  The dyam fool just sit there, like a dead man,

  And wipe his forehead, and then all he can

  Say is:

  SOCRATES

  After the thunder, comes the rain.

  ALVITA

  He’d two wives, that fool, and they both caused him pain.

  But the story Ryan most liked to repeat

  Was really nasty. So, the Queen of Crete –

  Pasiphaë – for some reason shagged this bull?

  And she gave birth to … well, like, not a full

  Bull, it was a minotaur? Like, half man –

  You know what? No. I can’t even stand

  To say. Then there’s this Clytemnestra bitch

  Who did the dirty on her man, a sitch

  Which led to him dying. Ryan loved that.

  There was Eriphyle, this girl who, for a fat

  Gold chain, sold out her husband, Amphiaraus.

  The Greeks demanded to know where he was:

  CHORUS OF GREEKS

  We suspect he hides somewhere in Thebes!

  But where?

  ALVITA

  And wifey like:

  ERIPHYLE

  Here. Gold chain, please!

  ALVITA

  Then on to Livia and Lucilla.

  Both of them were stone-cold husband killers.

  Liv straight up poisoned hers cos she’d always

  Truly hated and dreaded him from day

  One. Meanwhile Lucilla’s dark devotion

  Was so strong she gave her man a love potion

  So that he wouldn’t chirps no other girls,

  But it was toxic – so he left this world.

  Point being:

  HUSBAND RYAN

  I’ve read around and I’ve found

  You really can’t win if you’re a husband.

  ALVITA

  Then he told me how this Latumius

  Was

  HUSBAND RYAN

  – bitching to a friend called Arrius

  How three of his wives had hung themselves right

  In his garden, on a tree, out of spite.

  ALVITA

  And Arrius is like:

  ARRIUS

  Well, listen, mate:

  A cutting from that tree would be great,

  And I’ll plant it in my yard happily!

  ALVITA

  But it wasn’t just old tales he told me.

  He read all the latest tabloid nightmares

  About husband murderers:

  ASMA

  Who kept their

  Husbands’ corpses in a cupboard while they

  Got hot and heavy with their brand-new bey

  In the same room.

  ALVITA

  These stories were hardcore:

  The PUB CHORUS ladies read these headlines from trashy supermarket tabloids and magazines.

  ZAIRE

  Some had put nails through their brains while they snored

  And killed them that way.

  PUBLICAN POLLY

  Some had spiked their drinks.

  ALVITA

  He’d heard them all. I couldn’t bear to think

  How many. Plus he knew more anti-wife

  Online memes than there are seconds in this life.

  We see these memes projected as huge screenshots on the back wall, texted from Ryan to Alvita. ZAIRE reads the captions out loud and takes us through this presentation.

  ZAIRE

  ‘Happy wife, happy life. But nothing rhymes

  With Happy Husband, ever wonder why?

  Welcome to married life, dumbass.’ That’s one.

  There’s the one with the guy who looks done,

  Sitting on the street, tragic-looking fella –

  ‘Saw his face and offered him a dollar:

  He said: I’m not homeless, I’m married!’

  Like a wife is a terminal disease.

  Or on a napping Kim K it’ll say:

  Sleeping Beauty: cute by night, whore by day.

  ALVITA

  Can you imagine how much it hurt me

  To listen to this pure misogyny?

  And when I saw him about to restart

  Reading that damn book:

  We see this vital re-enactment:

  ZAIRE

  She tore it apart,

  Tore three pages while he was reading them:

  ALVITA

  And I’m not the strongest, but there and then

  I pulled back my fist and clocked him proper

  Hard on his cheek. He fell. Came a cropper

  In the fireplace, arse over tit. Then rose

  Up, raging like a pitbull, then he chose

  To get up and strike me upside my head.

  I hit the floor, and lie down like mi dead.

  ZAIRE

  And when he saw how very still she lay,

  He was bricking it. Almost ran away,

  But then she come to and raised up her head.

  ALVITA

  Rare, you for real tried to kill me!

  ZAIRE

  She said.

  ALVITA

  You’d kill me for the cash, the Subaru,

  This flat? Well, ’fore I die, let me kiss you!

  ZAIRE

  And he came to her side and knelt right down,

  Full of shame and with his heart in his mouth,

  He said:

  HUSBAND RYAN

  I love you, darling Alvita,

  I swear to God I will never beat yer.

  Though it was sort of your fault that I did,

  I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive.

  ALVITA

  So I punched him again, hard with my fist,

  And said: ‘Listen, teef! Too late, you’ve missed

  Your chance. I’m dying. And done talking to you.’

  But as it goes, and after we’d talked it through

  A long time, we did manage to agree …

  That everything would be decided by me:

  The flat stayed in my name, and the motor,

  Boy can’t move without checking my rota.

  And now that I run tings completely

  You’ll hear him say:

  HUSBAND RYAN

  Oh, my amazing wife,

  Do whatever you want with your own life;

  What’s best for you is clearly best for me.

  ALVITA

  And after that day, we had no more beef.

  Lawd, for a kinder wife you couldn’t arks

  If you searched from India to Denmark.

  And to be fair, he’s also kind to me.

  I pray to God – well, through my Auntie P –

  To bless him, seeing as now he submits

  To me. Right: my tale. You still up for it?

  There is encouraging applause from the PUB AUDIENCE, but as it dies down, we hear one loud, somewhat contemptuous laugh rise above the rest, until it is the only voice left. Everyone, including ALVITA, looks for the source, and finds it is smug PASTOR JEGEDE. ALVITA is unamused.

  ALVITA

  Excuse me: did I say something funny?

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  Oh, sister, I think that was easily

  The longest introduction I have heard,

  It seemed to be at least eight thousand words!

  PASTOR JEGEDE keeps on laughing and ALVITA looks like she’s about to go for him, but she’s held back by BARTOSZ, a beefy-looking Polish man, who steps forward to confront the PASTOR.

  ALVITA (ASIDE, TO THE AUDIENCE)

  Bartosz. A bailiff. Does what needs doing.

  BARTOSZ

  I can’t believe, for me is amusing:

  Why men of church always put nose in

  Where don’t belong? How I can listen him?

  Man of church is like fly. Always he’s in,

  Everything. Like fly. See he falls in food,

  In business, everything! No, is not good.

  He says ‘long’. But how he is saying long

  When he is interrupt? When he makes long!

  This woman, good woman, she tell story.

  Never is boring. No, he is boring.

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  This is your opinion. But I could tell

  Some stories about bailiffs and the hell

  They put good people through – bailiffs like you –

  And we’d laugh, and know who is the buffoon.

  BARTOSZ

  I am bailiff, yes, but I curse your face!

  I am cursing men of church in this place!

  Many, many story I can tell from

  My country! My story are very strong,

  You can say this? Strong? And make shame to you,

  And you will not like because story is true!

  PUBLICAN POLLY

  All right, simmer down: that’s enough of that!

  Let her get on with … what she’s getting at.

  I’m surprised at you, Father: you two sound

  Like two pissheads, brawling. Trust me, around

  Here we get enough of that. Alvita?

  ALVITA

  Always ready to speak verse in meter!

  I mean, if it’s okay with Pastor here …

  PASTOR JEGEDE

  Please, go on with your tale: I am all ears.

  The Wife of Willesden’s Tale

  FIRST CHILD walks across the stage – like a scene changer in a medieval revel – holding an enormous sign which reads:

  THE WIFE OF WILLESDEN’S TALE

  SECOND CHILD walks in the opposite direction with an equally large sign:

  Transferred from Arthurian Camelot to Maroon Town, Jamaica

  FIRST CHILD walks by once more with the sign:

  Featuring Queen Nanny!

  Famed rebel slave and leader of peoples!

  As before, ALVITA tells the story but the PUB CHORUS dramatizes it.

  AUNTIE P

  Back in the Maroon days of Queen Nanny,

  Who Jamaicans love to the nth degree

  All the island full up ah duppyfn1,

  And all kind ah spirit a roam free …

  River Mumma hide a golden table

  Under her skirts, and Ol’ Higue

  She suck de breath from de sleeping baby –

  ALVITA

  At least, that’s what my Auntie P told me:

  We’re talking way back in the seventeen twenties,

  Bit before my time. Now’days no one sees

  Ghosts or spirits or witches or duppy

  Cos the island full up with nuff pastor,

  Preachermen, vicar and minister,

  Witnesses and Seventh-day Adventists,

  Latter-day Saints, Catholics and Baptists,

  Who spend their days hunting for evil deeds,

  In every field and yard and running stream;

  Dash round blessing anyone they can reach,

  They’re every-damn-where like sand on a beach;

  Blessing dance halls, cafes, hotels, high schools,

  Nightclubs, hairdresser’s, sports grounds, swimming pools.

  And why would the spirits wan’ deal with that?

  Wherever di duppy dem used to be at

  Now preacherman ah go all round

  Praying for your soul, kneeling ’pon de ground,

  And asking God to have mercy on us.

  Jamaican women these days make no fuss

  About fearing duppy; they’re too busy

  Avoiding these churchmen who wan’ weigh she

  Down with sin. Anyway: our Queen Nanny

  Had a young buck Maroon in her army

  Who one day rode to Cudjoe’s Leeward Land,

  Where he saw a beautiful, young Akan

  Girl, early one morning, just walking by,

  We see this re-enacted by DARREN and KELLY.

  A virgin, with no interest in this guy,

  But he wouldn’t stop.

  Pause.

  He thought his strength gave

  Him the right.

  Longer pause.

  Well, Cudjoe Town was outraged

  By this criminal oppression, and so

  Many protested to Captain Cudjoe

  That the young Maroon was condemned to death,

  By the law courts of St Elizabeth.

  Now, that was the sentence of judge and jury –

  But Queen Nanny and some Windward ladies

  Begged the Captain to

  THREE WINDWARD LADIES

  Tink again and give

  This bad young bwoy to us and let him live,

  And leave the Leeward, and give Nanny a shot

  At deciding whether to kill him or not.

  ALVITA

  Nanny was glad the King had changed his tune –

  The boy came. And she said to this Maroon:

  QUEEN NANNY

  Yuh nuh outta trouble yet! Mi might still

  Kill you. But capital punishment will

  Only go so far. I’m interested in

  Restorative justice. Understanding

  Who you hurt and why. So here is my deal:

  You’ll live – if you can tell me what we feel –

  I mean we women. What we most desire.

  You tell me that? I won’t set you on fire.

  And if you don’t have the answer right now

  I give you permission to leave this town

  A year and a day. Wherever you go

  Ask everybody you meet if they know.

  But before you leave, you must guarantee

  That when ‘Time’s up’ you come straight back to me.

  ALVITA

  This young Maroon was proper screwing

  Because suddenly he wasn’t doing

  Whatever he wanted. He had no choice

  But to submit to the powerful voice

  Of Queen Nanny, and start on his journey,

  Then come back in a year on bended knee,

  To this Queen, with an answer that would fly.

  So off he rode, feeling very hard done by.

  This bwoy went everywhere, to every yard,

  Looking for anyone who had thought hard

  About

  YOUNG MAROON

  Wat women want and love the most,

  From the Blue Mountains to town and coast,

  Me can’t find no one, enslaved or free,

  Fi give me answers wat mek wi all agree!

  ALVITA

  Some said:

  Here members of the PUB CHORUS, as well as some of Alvita’s HUSBANDS, interject:

  HUSBAND WINSTON

  The thing women love most is money.

  ALVITA

  Some said:

  HUSBAND IAN

  They’re drawn to power like bears to honey!

  ALVITA

  Some said:

  AUNTIE P

  Personally, I’m quite fond of jewels …

  ZAIRE

  Women want actual orgasms, you fools!

  And to have multiple partners – unjudged.

  ALVITA

  But some said:

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  Give me a break. Can we please not fudge

  The issue. Admit you’re most satisfied

  When we worship you with flattering lies!

  ALVITA

  And you know, if you put the lying part

  Aside, it’s fair to say we’ll give our hearts

  To that person who brings us attention,

  Takes care of business and, yes, who mentions

  The good things about us. But that’s just love!

  Now, some went proper deep. Some said:

  We are surprised to find the women with the deepest thoughts are people we’ve hardly noticed up to now: KELLY, Alvita’s niece; PUBLICAN POLLY; and ASMA, the young rebel wife. They all now stand to speak, and with an intensity that changes the atmosphere in the pub. They speak in their natural accents – Black-British Kilburn for KELLY, Pakistan-inflected for ASMA – but the words themselves seem to come from a transnational sacred text of rights and duties. These women are bearing witness to a truth.

  KELLY

  Above

  All things, we want freedom. Freedom to know

  Our own desires. We want to follow

  Them where they lead.

  ASMA

  We want to be free from

  The bitter critique of men, banging on

  And on about our apparent failings.

  PUBLICAN POLLY

  We want to hear no more of men saying

  We have no judgement or reason. We are

  Also wise.

  ALVITA breaks the spell of solemnity.

  ALVITA

  Yes, wise enough to know where our

  Sore spots are. Where the truth hurts. If you ask

  To touch us there, there’s a kick up the arse

  For telling us the bit we don’t want to

  Hear or take on board. Come try it and you’ll

  See. We nuh easy! Not women nor girls.

  Still, it’s nice to think we’re perfect angels …

  Now, some said:

  We see Colin’s fiancée SOPHIE, now dressed like an eighteenth-century British woman on the island, fanning herself from the heat.

  SOPHIE

  What we so appreciate

  Is being considered, as women, great

  And loyal friends. Who can keep a secret,

  Choose a purpose, and be steadfast to it.

  And who never betray a confidence.