The Wife of Willesden Read online

  Of work in the bedroom. And to be fair

  To the husbands, I should mention, Colin,

  They did try. To get it up, to put it in …

  They’d roar like lions, crazy with lust

  But every time they tried – it was a bust.

  ALVITA is grateful for BLACK JESUS’s intervention on her behalf.

  ALVITA

  Then I’d say:

  We see the following acted out between ALVITA and HUSBAND IAN. ALVITA starts kind and loving, works herself up into a comical rage, and then just as abruptly turns philosophical:

  Oh, babe … little man looks small

  Tonight. Come here. Kiss me. Don’t be all

  Down about it. You’re always telling me

  To take a chill pill. Relax. And just be.

  So take your own advice. Calm yourself.

  Be patient! How come you got all this wealth

  But can’t get it up? Don’t get an attitude!

  I’m just saying – I’m not trying to be rude.

  Why’re you groaning? You wanna get with me?

  Mi deh yahfn2 – I’m right here. Now, you see,

  Fact is this pum-pumfn3 could have a good

  Time somewhere else – don’t mean to kill the mood –

  But apparently if I cheat on you

  That would make me a ‘bad wife’ and ‘a shrew’.

  Lawd! The patriarchy! It’s like I’m caught

  In a trap and it’s all your own damn fault!

  Oh, we’d have a lot of these little chats …

  Let’s move on. Fourth Husband. We’ll get into that:

  My fourth husband was a proper player.

  We were married but he had a lover.

  And I was young, and really feeling myself.

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  Body tight, no one left her on the shelf –

  Stubborn and wilful; first one on the dance

  Floor and last one off.

  ALVITA

  If I had a chance

  To sing I took it. Sweet soul voice I’ve got

  When I’m pissed. When I’ve had a few shots.

  Me nah braffing.fn4 No, man, I sing like a bird –

  Not like these uptight churchy men I’ve heard

  Threaten their wives with hell if they want drink!

  If any man thinks he’ll stop me, best think

  Again! Because a Baileys with nuff ice

  Gets me in the mood. Makes me feel nice.

  And I’m not going to stand here and tell you

  That I’m not more likely to want to do

  It when I’ve had a few.

  ALL THE WOMEN IN THE PUB

  Let’s all be real.

  Sometimes a drink or two helps seal the deal.

  ALVITA

  Oh, Lawd Almighty! When I think back to

  Them days when I was young, I can’t do

  Nothing but smile. I love to remember

  That sweet May time, now I’m in September …

  I’m still glad I had my time in the sun!

  Now I’m old. Boobs hang low. Lost my bum.

  But you know what? It’s really whatever.

  PUBLICAN POLLY

  Youth and beauty, they don’t last forever.

  ASMA

  The sweet fruit’s gone, there’s no juice left behind.

  ZAIRE

  But I’ll still squeeze whatever’s left out of the rind!

  ASMA

  Or, at least, I’ll do the best that I can.

  ALVITA

  But wait up: back to this fourth husband.

  To be honest, I got my screwface on

  When he chirpsed other women. But I won

  In the long run. I didn’t cheat but I

  Got my flirt on, my come-to-bed eyes …

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  Couldn’t stand to see her with another man!

  ALVITA

  Jealousy fried you in your own damn pan!

  Oh, I made you a proper hell on earth …

  This man who bitched like he was in childbirth

  If he even stubbed a toe. Not good with pain

  That one.

  HUSBAND ELRIDGE

  And God knows she made me insane

  With agony.

  ALVITA

  He died not long after

  I got back from holiday in Jamaica.

  He’s buried near here, just by Uncle P

  Up Willesden Lane, in that old cemetery.

  The headstone’s plain as a plate, not my taste –

  But paying more for that one’d be a waste,

  You get me? Anyway, he’s now deceased.

  So farewell and God bless him. Rest in peace.

  My fifth husband. Okay, here we go. Well,

  I actually don’t hope he rots in hell.

  And yet, to be honest, he was the worst.

  He’d get physical with me. That’s the first

  And last time I’ll let that happen, I swear.

  He hurt me here, there, oh, everywhere …

  And yet in bed he was so fresh, so fine,

  Gave head with such skill, the man took his time,

  So even when I was aching from old

  Bruises, I could turn his base love to gold.

  Can it be I loved him more than the rest

  Because he always gave me so much less?

  The thing with girls – I’m gonna generalize –

  Cos I’ve noticed it, and I sympathize:

  PUBLICAN POLLY

  What we can’t get easy? That’s what we crave.

  We get obsessed, we stalk, we don’t behave …

  ZAIRE

  Tell us no, we’re all over it, we’re set:

  But come on strong? We lose interest, all bets

  Are off. Play hard to get, and we’ll chase you,

  But act too keen? Then I’m just not that into

  You. Masochism, some say, but isn’t it

  Also just how things work in a market?

  Love is capital: this, smart women know.

  ALVITA

  But I married the fifth one, as it goes,

  For love not money – bless him – still a young

  Bwoy he was; an Oxford student, just sprung

  From college and looking for a flatshare.

  He rented a room off my mate Zaire,

  My ride-and-die bitch. I tell her everything,

  And vice versa. There’s no secret I can’t bring

  Zaire. If my husband pissed up a wall

  Or something much worse, it’s Zaire I’d call,

  Or any girlfriend I know, or my niece,

  Kelly … He can’t make me sign a release

  Form! I’ll speak! And that’s what I kept doing,

  Telling his secrets, and he was screwing,

  And well-shamed and sorry he ever told

  Me any private thing, new or old …

  But then one day mid-March, it was springtime –

  Which is when I like to take some proper ‘me time’

  At Zaire’s; get out of Brent; see some trees

  (Cos sistas like the country, too, believe);

  And we hung out with this Ryan, Zaire

  And me,

  ZAIRE

  Running round Oxford, here and there;

  ’Spose we felt we could let our freak flags fly

  Hang wid da yute; and, maybe check some guys …

  ALVITA

  But who knew what was in the stars for me?

  Where, when and who would be my destiny?

  I was just doing my thing: clubbing, nights

  Out at student parties; or downing pints

  In their weird country pubs, or out raving,

  ZAIRE

  And always in her tight red dress, leaving

  Not a thing to the imagination.

  No need to wash it – she always had it on …

  ALVITA

  But let me tell you how it went down:

  ALVITA approaches RYAN and starts flirting with him, as she tells her story. Romantic music plays, birdsong: ‘Loving youuu … is easy cos you’re byoootifuuuul …’

  Me and this kid, flirting; alone, far from town,

  And one day I just say to him, look, man,

  If my husband dies, we should make a plan

  To marry, okay?

  Sound of record being violently ripped off turntable. PUB CHORUS are a bit scandalized to realize Elridge was right about Alvita and Ryan the whole time. ALVITA tries to defend herself, like someone on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

  Cos, people of Brent:

  It’s about insurance. And in the event

  Of … whatever, I never get married

  Without a little something up my sleeve:

  Like a good plan B. You don’t want to be

  That dumb mouse who thinks it’s gonna get free

  Through the only hole it found in your home –

  The same one you just filled with toxic foam …

  So I told him I loved him like crazy!

  My mother taught me that – a smart lady –

  I said I dreamt of him regularly,

  But in these dreams it seemed like he’d killed me

  This tragic, bloody fantasy is acted out, and then, just as quickly, is revoked.

  Because the bed was totally bloody –

  Blood on the sheets, all over my body –

  But that’s a good sign, cos in the Tarot

  Blood’s a symbol for gold, far as I know –

  But it was all lies! Trust me, I don’t waste

  Time dreaming of men. That was cut and paste

  Out of Mum’s playbook. She’s my true mentor

  When it comes to husbands – and so much more.

 
But wait – Colin – I’ve gone and lost my thread –

  What was I saying? Right – fourth husband: dead.

  And when I saw him laid out at James Crook

  The pub turns into a funeral parlour.

  I got my weep on, and really did look

  Gutted, like a proper sad widow should,

  And wore a veil. But since I was all good

  For husbands, with one lined up round the bend,

  I didn’t really cry that much, in the end.

  ZAIRE

  The church service was St Mary’s, next day.

  Full of local mourners from down our way,

  And student Ryan was there in the crowd

  ALVITA

  And God help me, but I was like wow

  He’s fit, you know! Nice body, tight round bum …

  He was twenty. I could have been his mum.

  Yeah, I was forty, to tell you the truth,

  But he’s a honey, and I’ve a sweet tooth –

  Plus I’m gap-toothed like Madonna; which suits

  Us both; symbolizes passion; it’s cute,

  It’s sexy, and Christ Almighty, I liked sex,

  I was hot, young-ish, horny, full of next-

  Level energy, and had – so husbands

  Told me – the best punani in the land!

  I’m one of these Venus-born girls for real,

  But I’ve also got this Mars side? I feel

  Like Venus gave me my lust and passion,

  But Mars made me a woman of action.

  Basically I’m Venus with Mars rising,

  Which is why I don’t get this ‘slut-shaming’?

  It’s sad: I’m just doing me, naturally:

  I follow my stars, and they have made me

  Unable to ever say a hard no

  To a nice, fit bloke who’s good to go.

  And plus, here’s the mark of Mars on my face

  (I’ve got another in a private place)

  Which means even though Auntie prays for me,

  It does no good. I can’t choose carefully.

  I’m all instinct. It’s whatever feels right.

  He can be tall or short or black or white –

  I’m not bothered, as long as he feels me.

  Don’t have to be rich, or have a degree …

  What can I say?

  ZAIRE

  Something like a month passed

  And Al and Ryan got hitched. It was vast,

  The pub turns into a wedding.

  That wedding, they did it in proper style,

  And then she signed over to him the pile

  Of money, two flats, and the Subaru

  That she’d got from leaving the previous two.

  ALVITA

  Truth be told, I lived to regret that choice.

  Ryan, turns out, was a dick. Raised his voice

  At me over every likkle ting, left

  Me no freedom. See this ear? I’m now deaf

  In it, cos he smacked me in my head

  For tearing a page from a book he’d just read.

  ZAIRE

  But he couldn’t keep her down. Al’s a lion.

  Stubborn. And not scared of chiefs called Ryan.

  She still cussed him day and night and flexed where

  She felt like flexing. Traipsing here and there,

  Going round the old flats, which he hated –

  ALVITA

  And he’d start giving off to me, slated

  Me, giving it all this ’bout his mate, Mo,

  Who spotted his wife in the street with no

  Veil on and left her like that!

  We see RYAN bringing ASMA to tell her story, like an example in an argument. ALVITA is unimpressed, as is ASMA for being thus used.

  ASMA

  High and dry,

  Haven’t seen him since two thousand and five.

  Good riddance!

  HUSBAND RYAN

  But what about Ibrahim’s

  Wife? Went Olympics without asking him.

  ASMA

  Two thousand twelve. He left. And she’s okay!

  ALVITA

  He’d even dig up the Bible. He’d say:

  HUSBAND RYAN

  Actually, in Ecclesiastes, there’s

  Some really quite sensible stuff. Like where

  It says: ‘Thou shall not let thy wife wander

  About.’

  ALVITA

  I saw he was getting fonder

  Of his own voice. Liked to make pronouncements:

  HUSBAND RYAN

  If I let my wife wander around Brent

  On Halloween, dressed like a ‘slutty witch’,

  What does that make me? Basically, her bitch.

  That’s like building your house on shifting sand;

  That’s like trying to catch water in your hand;

  That’s a bloody mug’s game, and I’m no mug!

  ALVITA

  And on and on. And I was just like: ugh.

  I didn’t listen to a word of it.

  Him nagging, his guilt trips, none of it.

  I wasn’t going to be preached at by him –

  I hate anyone tries to rein me in.

  Am I alone, ladies? Didn’t think so.

  If he could have, he’d’ve killed me, I know,

  But by that point, the feeling was mutual.

  So, here’s the context I need to give you all.

  The real reason I tore that page out his book,

  And he box mi left ear wid a right hook:

  See, he quoted from this book night and day

  It was his Bible.

  HUSBAND RYAN

  My gospels, I’d say,

  Of Saints Farrell, Moxon, Peterson, Strauss –

  ALVITA

  (Like this was a joke to bring down the house.)

  HUSBAND RYAN

  It’s made of some books I’ve put together,

  Twelve Rules of Life; The Myth of Male Power;

  The Game; something called The Woman Racket;

  ALVITA

  (Some mental crap he got off the Internet …)

  HUSBAND RYAN

  So then this became my new daily thing:

  Whenever I wasn’t busy studying

  For my Master’s –

  ALVITA

  – he read this stuff on crap wives.

  He knew more about evil women’s lives

  Than there are saints in the Good News Bible …!

  Trust me: your average young man is liable

  To believe the only true good woman

  In this world is his mum or blessed nan!

  The rest of us? Witches, out to get him.

  ZAIRE

  But who wrote all these books about women?

  Mate, if women wrote the books he studied

  The list of wives abused, misused, bloodied

  Would be longer than the Good Book itself!

  It’d be too bloody big to fit on the shelf!

  ALVITA

  What it is, is: Ryan’s under the star

  Of Mercury. I’m Venus. So we are

  Fundamentally incompatible.

  Mercury’s maths, it’s science: rational.

  Venus: she loves to party, spend – and dance.

  We’re so different we never had a chance.

  When one of our stars is high in the sky,

  The other must fall. That’s the reason why

  Young sons of Mercury, like my Ryan,

  Get all woman-hating and then buy in

  To the claim we’re the problematic ones!

  Then, when they’re old, and their hard-ons are gone,

  These same professors go and write their tomes

  On how we should know our place and stay home!

  But to get to the point: I’m telling you

  How I got smacked for a book. It’s all true:

  One night Ryan, this Scottish husband of mine,

  Was into his book and reading out lines

  About wicked women, starting with Eve,

  No less, who wrecked the world, Ryan believed:

  HUSBAND RYAN

  Cos she’s to blame for original sin,

  And that’s why Christ had to be brought in,

  And then killed, so we could be forgiven.

  ALVITA

  Sure: all the fault of one stupid woman!

  Then he’s on to how:

  HUSBAND RYAN

  Samson lost his hair:

  While kipping. His girl sliced it with a pair